waiting, waiting, waiting

i must admit....waiting is difficult. it's not like waiting in a long line for a ride at an amusement park, or waiting on a letter to arrive, or waiting on a friend who is late, or waiting for a movie to begin....i am waiting on the next step, phase, adventure in life....while trying to continue living. i have been in this state of limbo for almost a year now. though this time last year, i was not focused on it because i had a summer filled with activity (northern ireland, research/project, kelly and grant's wedding, kristine and david's wedding, etc.). now i am , i can't help but be focused on the fact that i have not yet found a job, a place to live, a place to belong in and serve. sometimes i feel so frustrated i want to scream, yet i remain confident god has a place for me. it has been strange...i still live in boxes, i never know how much to connect with or engage in, and i struggle with how to answer peoples' questions. if i do not know the answers myself, and have no idea what god is up to, then how could i possibly know how to answer the many questions i am asked...what type of job are you looking for? where do you want to live? what is a master's degree in youth ministry? what is a bachelor's degree in media communications? how does media and art go together with youth ministry? why don't you just work in a church? maybe god is trying to teach you a lesson or help you sort through something....is there something you need closure in? is there something you haven't dealt with? is there something unfinished? why have you lived in so many places and done so many odd things? how does it all fit together? oh, we have a position open at our church, why don't you come work here? are you opposed to working in a church ("no"), then why don't you work in my church? why did you go back to school? are you married? why not? do you have kids? you sound young...why haven't you done this before? why have you done that? are you looking here? have you done that? why don't you just do this (insert brilliant idea)?

i know i sound incredibly synical and ungreatful. and no matter how much i try to convince you, you might not think i am sincere when i say that i am truly thankful for everyone in my life and the support they give me. i am thankful, and i know that people are just trying to help. but other than prayer, there is not much that others can do...really, it is me and god. he has got a reason, a plan, a purpose...i just cannot see it completely yet...it is up to god to reveal it all when he wants, when the time is right. and i am done trying to figure out what it is, define it, and describe it to others. we will all know when it happens.

there have been times when i thought...this is it, ok, i'm ready...only to discover that i was wrong, completely wrong. part of me would love to be in a new far off place, serving god in an unconventional why. another part of me (i know you may not believe it) would like to live somewhere in indiana or near by so that i could enjoy the wonderful moments with my family...like watching my niece emma fall asleep in my arms as i rock her in a porch swing. her newly celebrated, seven-year-old self warn out from the swimming, silly string fighting, trampoline jumping, volleyball playing, gift opening, cake eating, pinata hitting, bike riding, and general running around.

i have now been in the interview process for two different positions for over a month, and a third for a few weeks. this current spurt of interviews has followed a series of ups and downs in applications, interviews, and rejections (some on their part, some on mine). do i know positively if one of these positions is the one....no....i am just trying to remain open and positive...knowing god has something out there for me. in the mean time, i am trying to be healthier in life again...spending time with god, reading, eating healthier, exercising, spending time with friends and family (in person and on the phone), and enjoying the life i have right now. i hope i did not offend too many people...really i am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life, and their attempts at trying to make me feel better.

so enough of my synical tirade....i am off to enjoy this beautiful day that god has created. i hope you enjoy it too.